Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
bears
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars