Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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