Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
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*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …