Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
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Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends