The Onion called it…again.
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Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot