Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
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I only eat vegetarians.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Bed should get ready for ME
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!