I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
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Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.