I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Okay
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
The 6 types of sex
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
That eye roll….
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.