I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
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People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
oh shit
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”