Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
You Might Also Like
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.