There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
The devil.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.