Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
You Might Also Like
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.