POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
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I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks