People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
🤣dope