Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
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[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.