Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
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Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!