I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
This bar smells like my childhood.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Smile they said.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
This is the best one I’ve seen
fr
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.