If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
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Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no