[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Selfie
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I really had high hopes for this year though
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier