Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.