Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
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The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
it was love at first sight
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.