I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.