Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
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alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.