Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
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My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Finally, a door that understands me
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Brb my Sims are getting married
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!