Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
You Might Also Like
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea