My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
You Might Also Like
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.