Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
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Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*