I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”