I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
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Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”