People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
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Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂