My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
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Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could