Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry