They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
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5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me