What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Britain be like
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.