Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
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me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Alexa: *deep breath*
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
BRAKING NEWS!!
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks