How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news