Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
english majors be like furthermore
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*