My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
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If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
This could’ve been an email.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though