Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
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People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies