Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
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I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*