Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
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Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣