SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
men, we mow at sunrise.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably