My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
These are my roll models.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
and now we wait
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.