My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger