Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
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I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Somebody call the cops.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt