This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
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Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.