When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
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okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
necessity is the mother of invention
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best