Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
somewhere, in an alternate universe
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.