Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”