I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I only eat vegetarians.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones